ANNALS
OF THE NEW DAVE: Status: abled, disabled, or weirdly
abled1
Chronicled by
David Epston,
Dean Lobovits, and Jennifer Freeman
With an introduction by Sharon Murphy
[This paper is a good one to
read for those of you interested a narrative therapy
approach to what is referred to in the American
Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Service Manual (DSM
IV) as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Although we do not prefer to use such labels in our work
we refer to them here because so many visitors to this
site have requested information about young person
struggling with these issues.]
Introduction:
The Boy Who Dared To Be Different by Sharon Murphy
(Dave's mother)2
Dave was different from the day
he was born. It wasn't anything anyone could put their
finger on but I could SEE he was different. Sure he had
two arms, two legs, blonde hair and blue eyes but somehow
or other I knew he was different. At school, his
class-mates soon noted that he wrote differently. His
attempts at writing were always back to front and despite
his painstaking efforts looked like chicken scratchings.
Predictably his spelling was funny like 'enuf', 'kat' or
'qik'. Dave NEVER passed his spelling. But he seemed
happy and cheerful and was always 'doing'. It was as if
he was filled with insatiable curiosity. Others would
snigger behind his back and occasionally to his face --
"Curiosity killed the cat!' Dave was oblivious because he
was happy. Most days he would wander around the
playground picking things up to investigate. Teachers
complimented him, thinking he was 'tidying up'. But they
were not different so failed to realise he was
investigating the unknown and learning about
it.
One day, he found this beautiful
bottle full of the colour blue. He lifted it towards the
sun to watch the sparkles dance off the bottle when it
tipped all over him. Everyone began to scream - 'Miss,
Dave's turned blue!' He was rushed off to the sick bay
and I was contacted - 'Hurry please ... it's a chemical
of some sort. He may have to go to the hospital'. My work
colleagues laughed when I told them. 'The Blue Boy
...isn't that a famous painting?" one quipped. I was hurt
as was my daughter seeing my hurt. Couldn't they see that
he just wanted to know and now he could be
injured?
Many questions were asked by the
doctors. The 'blue' was analysed chemically and
scrutinised under a microscope. At the same time, Dave
was poked and prodded. My fear drained all the colour
from my face. Dave wondered what all the fuss was about
and tried to tell the doctor about what beautiful
sparkles in the sky the bottle made. He also started to
enquire how the microscope worked. Could he have a look
and "what's that thing around your neck?" Everything
turned out alright in the end but for awhile, Dave was
clearly different on account of his beautiful blue
hair.
Dave busied himself from morning
to night taking things apart but not quite getting them
back together again. He built wonderful, fantastical
structures everywhere but forgot to put the tools away.
He cooked fabulous concoctions but overlooked them when
something else caught his attention. At school, he went
from one thing to another. "He's bright", the teachers
said, "but he never finishes anything. When I ask him
why, he says "Oh, I know that but I just had to check
this out ....its more interesting." His teachers
despaired of coping with him and his work, so full of
promise but never completed.
He doesn't have many friends
because he is different and they are not, and don't
understand him. Dave now knows he is different and copes
with it. This is not to say at times he isn't saddened
and would prefer to be the same as everyone else and find
acceptance.
Dave is going to grow up. He
still may not spell and his writing may always be
laboured. Sometimes he still may not quite get his
clothes right. But I can see Dave working for an
advertising agency 'thinking up' ideas all day, wonderful
ideas like dancing sparkles in the sky. How would he get
such a job, you might ask? They may very well say -
"You're different, Dave. You think in wonderful ways that
no one else dares to." If Dave replied - "But my
spelling!" they might say."Anyone can spell but not many
people are different. And you Dave, dare to be different.
That takes courage!
Entry
#1 First meeting with the "old Dave" and his
family
Sharon Murphy sank into the
nearest chair in David's office and started drawing deep
and audible breaths that indicated utter exhaustion and
the cessation of a great effort. Vestiges of her
determination to manage the behaviour of her 14 year old
son, Dave, lived on in her constant but half-hearted
remonstrating with him to desist from his constant flurry
of activity.
Jenni, Dave's 13 year old
sister, observing that her mother"s admonishments had
little or no effect made desperate and reckless attempts
to take over from her by insisting that he 'Stop It!'
These only seemed to provoke Dave to more excess. Jenni's
seething rage was palpable. Such was the frustration of
her indignant forays to reign Dave in, that she would be
reduced to tears on each and every occasion. However, for
Dave, the room seemed a marvellous source of novelties
that he had to explore, touch, and touch
again.
When there was the first break
in these proceedings, David began the conversation by
inquiring about Sharon's visible despair. She bravely
related to him the intolerable strain she was under as a
single parent, as 'bread winner' for her family, and as
the manager of Dave's mind and body. She spoke of her
"weariness" from having lived "on the edge" since Dave's
birth. She declared that this meeting was her "last ditch
stand" to avert her own "nervous breakdown" and to avoid
placing both her children in foster care - a prospect
which she was the opposite of everything she had devoted
herself to over the past fourteen years.
When he heard this, Dave ceased
his activities for the first time - but only momentarily.
Sharon was becoming more and more despondent as she spoke
of her plans and Jenni alternated between wrath and
crying. To emphasise her point, Sharon gave the example
of having to delay toileting herself until after her
children's bedtime. This was due to the constant and
hazardous fighting between Dave and Jenni. She told how
she had been ordered by a government department to
surveil her children at all times to prevent Jenni being
injured. She now considered that what was required of her
was well beyond both her emotional and physical
capacities.
With due respect for Sharon's
exhaustion David invited her to take a break from trying
to discipline Dave for the time being. The moment she
relaxed her vigilance, Dave threw himself to the carpeted
floor and began rolling over and over around his room.
Despite this, David and Sharon were able to maintain a
semblance of a conversation. Jenni, however, continued
her expostulations to cease his activity without any
success whatsoever.
After a while, David essayed a
conversation with Dave, who dutifully responded to his
enquiries but not in a manner he was given to expect.
Dave's replies were orated with dramatic and rhetorical
flourishes and wild metaphorical excursions. Their sense
seemed just outside the reach of David's mind but
tantalisingly so! It was very frustrating for David to be
quite so close (in any particular roll, Dave would often
pass within inches of his feet) but be so far away. No
matter how hard David tried to catch up to Dave's mind,
he was unable to close the gap sufficiently to pull
alongside. In spite of this, David determined to do so no
matter how long it might take and no matter how far he
might have to stretch his mind in doing so.
David thought of an idea that
might acknowledge his understanding of Sharon's dejection
and total exhaustion. He initiated it by asking her
consent for a secret meeting with her children in which
the three of them would "cook up a secret." David
reassured her that although this secret would be kept
from her for a specified period of time, it would be
revealed to her in it's entirety in due course. Sharon
quickly consented, appearing somewhat relieved to absent
herself from the room.
Mother
Appreciation
When the three of them were
alone, David asked Dave and Jenni what their thoughts
were about the prospect of foster care placement. They
deeply dreaded the prospect but what concerned them even
more was the well-being of their mother. David consulted
them as to what ideas they had "up their sleeves" to
provide her with some relief. They took his question very
seriously and told him they had already begun nightly
foot massages for Sharon. To this news David replied,
"What I have in mind is certainly in line with your
initiative! What about a Mother Appreciation
Party?"
Not surprisingly, they had never
heard of such an event. David readily acknowledged that
such occasions are relatively rare in anyone's social
calendar. They launched into an enquiry about their
appreciation of Sharon and their mother's "friends"
appreciation of her.
For the first time since they
arrived, Dave, Jenni, and David were able to collaborate
over a shared concern - mother appreciation! The effect
was dramatic. Dave was attentive and Jenni regained her
good spirits as they agreed to 'plot a surprise mother
appreciation party'.
When they reviewed their shared
knowledge about parties in general, they realised they
had a lot ahead of them such as deciding on the guest
list, catering, baking the 'Mother Appreciation' cake and
of course, their respective 'Mother Appreciation'
speeches. Hearing the last proposal, Jenni's eyebrows
spontaneously raised almost to her hair line. They fell
back into place when David quickly reassured her that he
would only be too glad to assist. "How?" they asked in
unison and he replied, "Why, I will ask you
'mother-appreciating' questions so you can come up with
'mother-appreciating' answers! And then all you will have
left to do is to roll them up into your
speech!".
Despite their uneasiness with
this project, Dave and Jenni agreed to proceed with the
planning, one step at a time with the speeches coming
last. As a Mother-Appreciation Party was a complicated
undertaking, they agreed to "scheme together in secret"
over the next few meetings and decided against any
deadlines. Everyone agreed that when they were ready it
would be only too obvious. David now felt able to risk
seeking their consent to ask them a very serious question
that he had been burning to ask.
A Burning Question
"Before I ask you this
question," David began, "I want some reassurance from
both of you that you will promise not to even consider
answering it until you have heard it out to the very
end." If their facial expressions were anything to go by
they considered this request somewhat odd, but
nonetheless they agreed. "Well, here goes," David
resumed, "By any chance, do you think you are weirdly
abled?" Before they could respond David leapt to the edge
of his chair, holding his palms outwards and admonished,"
Hold on ! Hold on! You promised!" Then he continued: "By
that I mean, are you so abled that many adults and kids
your ages believe you are WEIRD when in fact you are
WEIRDLY abled?" They both looked quite miffed. Jenni
piped up: "What do you mean by that?"
To answer this important
question, David read them Emily Betterton's (Freeman,
Epston and Lobovits, 1997) published account of 'weirdly
abledness' (p179-182). After doing this he took a Lynda
Barry cartoon out from his desk entitled Marlys' Guide to
Weirdoes (1993). In this cartoon the following guidance
is offered: "Third knowledge is the first time someone
calls you a weirdo. You about start crying, or you sock
them in the stomach, or you act even more weirdo, or you
just sit there and don't do nothing, or you get happy
because at least someone is talking to you. But Fourth
knowledge is people get fascinated by you that's why they
buy you. But it's not your first pick of a kind of
fascination of you. You will pray to God to take it back
but God is busy. What is he busy doing? Making more
weirdos. He's a weird God.
Fifth knowledge is when
sometimes you meet a man or a lady who is a grown up
weirdo - the good kind - and they know you. Even if they
never saw you before, they know you and say HiHiHi and
your whole life can change - even if you know them for
only around one week. My brother Freddie who drew the
pictures on this has got a teacher like this, Mrs.
LeSense. I go with him early to her room every morning
and we open the window shades for her. Her face is always
happy to see us, I love her. She cured my brother's life.
This is a true story.3"
Both read their copy of the
cartoon in silence. If anything it was like sealing a
pact. They both were determined to show it to their
mother and their social worker.
Entry
#2 A brief summary of the second meeting and accompanying
letter
Dave and Jenni were excited to
relate the responses of their mother and the social
worker to the cartoon. It wasn't long before David turned
to Sharon and asked her if she was of the opinion that
Dave and Jenni came to their "weirdly abledness" through
"nature or nurture" ? For the first time since David had
met her, Sharon then broke into laughter and began to
tell stories about various members of the Murphy Family.
David lead a very detailed enquiry into the history and
genealogy of the 'weirdly abled'. It took up the entire
meeting and then some.
Dear Dave, Sharon, and
Jenni,
With all your help, I have
started to more fully understand the history and
genealogy of the 'weirdly abled' in your family and it
certainly seems to go a long way back. Dave, you told me
that sometimes you're happy with your mind and that
sometimes you're not. You said that "unpredictability"
was a strong feature of how your mind works. You said,
"No one knows what I'm going to do next - it can be good
or bad."
What was clear was that you
took your place in the family lineage when you stated
that "I've got a mind of my own." I certainly agree with
you there. You left me with no doubts whatsoever. Sharon
and Jenni, you fully concurred.
Dave, you went on to say that
over the last two years you "have been teased a lot" and
that you have been using confusion tactics on the
teasers. However, there are those who understand you and
appreciate you as a "weirdly abled" young man - like last
year's math teacher, Mr Johnson. You said, "He is the
only one who understands me." But Jenni and Sharon
disagreed because they thought they had a pretty good
understanding of you too. Dave, had you just taken them
for granted?
Sharon, you thought Mr
Johnson was able to understand because he "has a daughter
with ADD" and he has had teaching experience with some
twins with ADD. In addition, Sharon, you were of the
opinion that "his approach is different - he is
interested in the person and doesn' t care about
spelling. "Dave, you added, "He knows I've got a great
sense of humour." Do you suspect that in his own way he
is "weirdly abled" too, but because he is a teacher he
has to tone it down? What do you think?
When I realised that you,
Sharon, had also always been 'weirdly abled', you spoke
of the effects this had had on your life. You told me
that you were "an advanced and lateral thinker as a child
but that you were ignored a lot as a girl." Instead of
acknowledging and cherishing you for you, you told us
that some members of your family "didn't know what to
do"with you. Sharon, you told me the tragic story of how
your mother has "never been" your mother, that you
"offended her as a baby" and that you "don't know what it
was" that did this. Sharon, do you think, on reflecting,
that your mind was too fast for hers? That you, in a
manner of speaking, were always ahead of her or out in
front of her?
Then I asked you, Sharon,
that if you knew what you know now, and could have been
there as an adult in your little girl life, what would
you have done differently? You said: "I would have put
more pressure on my parents to allow me to be with both
sets of grandparents. Both sets had expressed a desire to
adopt me." Sharon, is that because your grandparents knew
that you were "weirdly abled" and not weird? Were they
not afraid of you? Were they more encouraging rather than
discouraging? You told me how Grandma Peg insisted when
you were 8 that you buy Jane Eyre even though people
doubted you were capable of it. Do you think she knew you
better than anyone else? Sharon, was it because she
recognised herself in you that she knew that you
knew?
Sharon, you summed up your
experience of both sets of parents when you said: "They
encouraged me". They appreciated your mathematical gifts
when they learned that at age 8 you could add faster than
a cash register. They understood that you were
"mathematically abled". Sharon, did you realise quite
quickly that you had a fast mind? Do you suspect that
people with slower minds than yours resented the
quickness of your mind?
Jenni, you agreed with
Sharon's opinion of Grandma Peg by saying "she's cool".
And Dave you had this to say and from you, I would
consider it a great compliment: "She has the best sense
of humour I've ever heard". Coming from a pretty witty
guy, that seems high praise! Sharon, you also commented
that Dave has inherited his Grandma's "dramatic nature
and humour" and Dave, you put on a pretty good show to
demonstrate this and you told us some of her quips. Then
Dave, you informed us that your humour was the key to
understanding you. And Sharon, from a wider perspective,
informed me about the importance of the Murphy sense of
humour
Sharon, you then acknowledged
that your "weird abilities" have been something of a
mixed blessing for you. You were happy to acknowledge
that your weird abilities helped your scholastic
abilities which were very good - maths in particular. You
described yourself as "mathematically gifted". Dave you
said that you were "trying to turn my abilities to my
school work" but that it wasn't easy for you. Jenni, you
seemed to find it relatively easy to do so. You were
lucky in this regard I suspect.
We then went on to review
what seemed at least in your eyes, Sharon, to be a
'miracle'. After our last meeting, Jenni and Dave went
"two days without fighting". And this was not a mere
allegation but testified to by all concerned parties:
Dave, Jenni and yourself.
Jenni, you were amazed by
this but you said "I was trying to see how long we could
go for". Jenni, would you have believed that you could go
for one hour without fighting? Dave, when I pressed you
for some explanation for this change of fortune you said:
"We were working together." Dave, does that mean under
normal circumstances you are working against each other?
Dave, what did you prefer: working together or against
each other? Jenni and Dave, haven't you got enough people
against you already? Or do you think I am getting too
preachy here? Let me know when we meet again. Jenni, you
summed up the two 'miracle' days by saying they were
"good." Jenni, why do you say that?
Jenni and Dave, you thought
you might go a week this time but Dave, you said in a
Taurean way that if I told you to be co-operative, that
would be like a red rag to you. So I was quite neutral
here and kept my opinions to myself. You both insisted
that "if we get up to a week, you've got to reward us." I
said I would, but in a 'weirdly abled' way. So don't
expect anything conventional because if you did, you
would be a lot less 'weirdly abled' than I believe you
all to be.
I agreed with you, Dave and
Jenni, that we should set aside half the next meeting to
go over the 'secret'. Once again, Sharon, let me explain
that although we do have a 'secret', it will be divulged
to you in full in due course. Please be patient with us.
There is no malice whatsoever in our
'secrecy'.
Yours
Respectfully,
David.
Entry
#3 Third meeting
By their third meeting, Sharon
was of the opinion that "it's touch and go with me to
keep going" and "I still need to warn them about foster
homes." However she was glad to report that "they are
getting on better and are not at each other with knives
and daggers. They are appreciating each other
more."
The miracle had now endured for
an entire week. The rest of the meeting was taken up
conspiring about the imminent 'Mother Appreciation'
party.
Entry
#4 Fourth meeting
At their fourth meeting a month
later, after reviewing recent developments, it was agreed
by Dave, Sharon, Jenni and David that a report would be
written to the statutory agency that was funding the
therapy. This report was required in order for the
therapy to continue to receive funding. They all agreed
at the outset that the report was something that they
would "all do together."
This report, or 'counter
document' (White & Epston, 1990), not only served as
a request for funding, it more importantly verified that
Dave and his family were problem solvers. This was the
first entry into the file on Dave in particular and the
Murphy family in general in which they participated as
authorities on their own lives. It proudly took its place
in their file which was already the size of a phone book
and filled with the documentation of problems.
REPORT AND RECOMMENDATIONS:
Child and Young Persons Service of New
Zealand
From: David Epston
Re: Progress report with the
Murphy family
As agreed, I am providing you
with an account of the meetings so far with Dave, his
sister, Jennifer (Jenni), and his mother Sharon. It seems
to be a particularly timely point for a review of our
meetings. We have welcomed the opportunity to provide you
with this record of them.
Jenni contends that "Dave has
been a lot better and we don't fight as much." Before our
first meeting, according to Jenni, fighting consumed 50%
of the time she and Dave were in each other's presence.
Sharon estimated it at 75% of the time and Dave at 100%
of the time. Jenni now estimates that the current level
of fighting is about 1% of the time. Dave's estimate is
10% and Sharon deemed it to be "within normal
boundaries".
I have attempted to establish
how Jenni and Dave reduced fighting so substantially.
Jenni's explanation is: "I don't choose to pick fights
with him. I wanted to see how long we could go without
fighting." Neither Jenni nor Dave were willing to
disclose the specifics of what they referred to as "our
strategy" for reducing fighting. However Dave has stated
that "if we sold our strategy to the United States, we
could be millionaires."
Dave was willing to comment that
when he "saw Jenni trying...I tried." He also said: "I
figured out one simple thing - I could be bullied into
fighting. I looked at fighting as if it were homework."
Like homework, Dave was very reluctant to do it. Sharon
was of the opinion that it had a lot to do with them
finding "that we had to work together because we wanted
the 'Mother Appreciation' party." And they found that
cooperation wasn't so bad after all and in fact was quite
enjoyable. I suppose any reader might be curious to know
what a 'Mother Appreciation' might be and what it might
entail.
Well, Dave and Jenni
acknowledged that they were very worried for their mother
and her psychological well-being. They feared that on the
onehand she was nearing a "breakdown" and on the other
that they would be placed in foster homes. Consequently,
they decided to take it upon themselves to plan a
surprise party for their mother in order to fully
appreciate her and so that her friends could also have an
opportunity to do the same. This required considerable
guile on their part to keep their planning and
preparations a surprise, but they were able to pull it
off. Although they spent some time with me preparing
their respective 'Mother Appreciation' speeches,
embarrassment and shyness got the better of them and they
decided against giving their speeches. Nonetheless their
mother basked in the appreciation of her.
To summarise, Sharon has
assessed that the situation at home is "a heck of a lot
better" and that "it couldn't have gone on. They would
have ended up in foster homes. It was touch and go. I was
worried about them 100% of the time. I couldn't leave
them for a split second. In fact, I couldn't even get
through going to the toilet because I feared for their
safety." Dave agreed that he too was a bit scared that he
would harm his sister: "I didn't know if I could stop
it." Sharon believed that Jenni feared for her safety as
she had overheard her daughter saying so.
Dave recommends that the
sessions be extended. He said that he "still has some
fits of anger and although I've come a long way, I've
still got a long way to go." He wanted me to add: "I
thank you (the funding agency) for getting us this far
and helping me to stop myself from fighting with
Jenni."
This report has been read and
signed by Dave, Jenni and Sharon who in signing their
names agree both generally and specifically to its
content.
After this fourth meeting, no
mention of Sharon "breaking down" and fostering Dave and
Jennifer was ever made again.
Entry
#5 Fifth meeting
Following their
'Mother-Appreciation' Party and the letter to renew the
funding, David got very busy knowing Jenni's and Dave's
minds at the same time as Dave and Jenni got equally busy
knowing their own minds. Admittedly there were surprises
for all of them, but all of the surprises turned out
quite pleasantly. In spite of other people's opinions
about her that would have caused her to doubt herself in
the past, Sharon became more and more comfortable
trusting in her 'weirdly abled' parenting.
There was one notable
occurrence. Dave's knee-tapping was winding up to a
crescendo when David leaned over towards him and placed
his hand above his knee. He inquired: "Can you feel your
knee touching my hand?"
Dave replied that he could.
David then asked, "Were you aware that your knee was
going up and down before I placed my hand above it?" Dave
and David realised for the first time that he didn't.
This seemed significant so David
asked some more questions. "Does your body have a mind of
its own? Does it pay you any mind? Does it ignore you? Is
this a sign of disrespect?"
Everyone agreed that such a
project of enquiry would be a matter of concern for the
future of the therapy.
Letter sent to Dave after the
fifth meeting
Dear Dave:
I really enjoyed talking to
you the other night. It all began when Jenni started the
ball rolling by saying: "Dave has made a tremendous
effort to keep out of my room. He learned really quickly.
He did it because he was being polite. I think Dave is a
whole lot nicer." Your mum also agreed that "Dave has
made a concerted effort". She told us how relieved she is
that she can now stand back from 'the edge' that she has
been on for so long.
We then all became aware,
even you Dave, that it was possible that the self-control
you had been exercising could be "the first of the summer
wine". When I asked you about this, you had a very good
explanation indeed: "Something in my brain knocked
something over which changed the gear into behaviour
mode." When I asked how long it would last, you thought
it might endure for another week or two. However, Sharon
recalled one summer in which you went throughout it
self-controlling yourself. Can you remember that summer,
Dave? Was it a summer to remember? Certainly, it seems so
for your mum.
Sharon, you referred to 1989
as "the summer of self-control". Your mum remembers that
she did a lot of work with you like gardening. And this
seemed to have helped you be in control of your body and
mind. We also talked about how when you look after Auntie
Sue, you bring yourself under your own self-control. That
also connected with 'duty day' and the way you looked
after the teachers.
Here are some questions that
I have for you, Dave:
1. How does physical
activity, e.g. gardening, bike riding, lead to you to
being self-controlling?
2. How does looking after
people lead you to be self-controlling?
Dave, I felt very sorry for
you when you told us how at times your mind and body seem
to have mindsof their own and don't pay you any mind. And
at times as you said, "I'm not aware they are doing it".
Dave, it is time for this 'therapy' of ours to put all
our heads and WEIRD ABILITIES together in order to assist
you in some weirdly abled way to have more of your mind
and body under your self-control???
I hope we will be able to
talk together about this next time. I look forward to
such a discussion.
Yours
sincerely
David.
This letter marked a
transition. The Murphy family was now engaged on its own
'weirdly abled' terms to address a persistent problem in
their lives. It was time for a less 'weirdly abled'
therapist to sit back and see what they came up
with.
Entry #6
Letter sent to Dave after the sixth meeting
Dear Dave:
You said that the last letter
"had a good feeling". I am glad you thought so as I did
too. And what was even better was that we continued to
have a good conversation yesterday. I hope you felt that
I was able to keep up with you at long last, although I
may never get an "Irish sense of humour'. In that regard,
I may be a lost cause.
When I asked if you were able
to make your self-control endure, you said that "it had
switched on and off during the week". When I inquired as
to how you understand what switched self-control off and
on, you said that "tiredness and grumpy people switch off
self-control" and "happiness and food switch on
self-control".
Sharon you added that "a
great deal of physical activity" plays a important part
in self-controlling ways. Sharon, you observed that when
Dave is exercising his self-control, this has the effect
of you experiencing him as "a good son and a good
friend".
Dave , you seemed pleased to
hear your mum say this. You then went on to tell me some
things that were pretty new to me: "To a weirdly abled
person with ADD, the tables are turned. Physical activity
will wind up most normal people but in me physical
activity will relax me and make me more
self-controlling." Can you understand that wasn't
immediately comprehensible to me? When I asked how long
you had been aware of this, you said that "the theory has
been there for the past 2, 3 years but I didn't know it
was there."
Dave, do you think we have
hit upon something important if you are to have more of a
self-controlling life and less of a life controlled by
ADD?
Dave, does such a prospect
appeal to you? Do you think it would appeal to your mum
and Jenni?
Dave, do you think you might
develop an anti-ADD practice from the theory that you
have had for the past 2,3 years?
Dave, would you do so by some
inimitable 'weirdly abled' ways and means?
Dave, do you think I think
you will come up with some predictable or unpredictable
ways of making a self-controlling practice out of your
'theory'?
Dave, what bearing might it
have on your life if it became a more self-controlled
life rather than an ADD-controlled life?
Dave, how would you try out
such a practice in your life? Or would you prefer to
surrender this life-time to ADD and live your life out
according to ADD?
Dave, we then got talking
about your self-pride, something ADD has never been able
to take away from you. Dave, can you imagine where you
would be today if it had? I would hate to think about it.
You put your self-pride down to you and your family's
"Irish sense of humour." Can you understand now why I
have come to respect your 'Irish sense of humour' so much
more than when I first met you?
Still, you said that you had
to "quote build up" your pride in the face of a lot of
teasing. You considered that it was very advantageous
that you had "a proud mother". When I asked you, Dave,
what you were most proud of, you said, "At school, I have
overcome the hurdle of teasing."
Sharon, you have undertaken
quite a unique form of parenting, one that I expect plays
quite a part in Dave's and Jenni's self-pride. You told
me, "I have always challenged their minds. I was on my
own for so long, I have always treated them as equals."
And I understand that many people really don't respect
you for having done this. Does that have to do with Dave
and Jenni not being deferential to adults? Does that get
them into trouble with some adults?
Merry Xmas and can we look
forward to a more self-controlling 1996? I trust
so.
David
Entry #7
Seventh meeting
At this point, David had
thickened an alternative story by enriching it's
counter-plot ("a self-controlling life") at the expense
of the Problem's plot, (an ADD-controlled life). Everyone
agreed it was time for the next step - to let everyone
know about the new direction in which Dave was taking his
life. This included those who cared about him (friends,
family) and those who had been concerned about him
including the numerous professionals he had met over the
course of his life. David interviewed everyone about
Dave's claim pertaining to his 'new Dave' with the
express purpose of preparing an affidavit for Dave to
swear and Sharon and Jenni to testify to as being an
accurate and valid alternative version of his
life.
The process of creating the
affidavit began with David asking questions and then
typing in replies, re-reading the text and having the
speaker confirm them. Although this may sound laborious,
David 'dug up' the history of a "self-controlling life"
and the 'new Dave' constituted through it. Good progress
was made by the end of this visit but it looked like
several more meetings would be required before the
document was ready to be "sworn." Dave, Jenni and Sharon
took home the first draft (the complete version is
included later in this chronicle).
Entry #8
Eighth meeting summary and "consulting your
consultants4"
Interview segment
This meeting showed the
alternative story in the making. Dave continued to
unravel his own account of the 'new Dave' and in this way
continued to develop a draft of his preferred (auto)
biography.
At the same time, in this
interview with the Murphy family, David's mind began to
show signs of stretching out to meet the concerns and
experiences of all of the family members. The
conversation nimbly weaved its way between each of their
three individual thematic strands. The conversation
reflected the family's unique style of communication and
as such, it moved quite fast. It is interesting to
contrast this interviewing style to the one in the letter
following meeting 2 where one theme is externalized and
discussed with everyone.
To begin with David took the
chance to consult with Dave about what he believed had
helped him become a new person. "Dave, my question is
this. Did the fact that you started feeling you were
becoming your new person have anything to do with you
recognising along with your mum and your sister that you
come from a long line of weirdly abled people and that
you have a great deal to be very proud of?"
Sharon's clarified the question
for Dave: "What he means is did recognising what Grandma
Peg is like, and what Nana Holland was like, and what
Granddaddy was like, and what Uncle Kevin was like, did
that effect your decisions? Did you realise you weren't
so strange after all? Did that help you realise that you
were you and that you came from a long line of people
that were like this?!"
"Yah. . ." Dave
replied.
"How did knowing that you come
from a long line of talented people lead to you decide to
become a 'new Dave' ?" David followed.
Dave began by joking: "Well, I
don't exactly want to get myself into the financial poo
that most of my relatives have got themselves into." But
then his family pride set in: "But if they could do what
they have done and still come out on top, I COULD DO
IT."
A
hopeless case
David then said, "Can I ask then
- before that, did you feel you were a hopeless
case?"
Dave shook his head vigorously
in agreement.
"You did!?" David exclaimed. "If
I am putting too much question-pressure on you, tell me -
it's just that I am interested. This could be pretty
important to other people. Who do you think thought you
were a 'hopeless case'?"
"Ten or twenty
people."
"What hospitals did you go to or
treatments did you receive?"
Dave hesitated for a moment and
his mother jumped in to pick up the narrative:
"Psychiatric hospital for 5
months; a residential treatment centre for a year;
another residential treatment centre for 9 months. He
then lived with his father and had a case worker and then
went to live in a foster home for a year. He came back to
me at 11."
"What age was he when you lost
him?" David asked her trying to do the math in his
head.
"When he was 9, almost 10."
Sharon replied, "Then he had a psychiatrist and then we
had nobody."
David turned to Dave: "Did you
get the impression that a lot of people thought you were
a hopeless case?"
"Yah." he shouted.
Sharon interjected: "But most
people give me the impression that I am a neurotic old
bag that makes a nuisance of herself over
nothing."
"Did anyone take an interest in
the fact that you were weirdly abled? Or that Dave was
weirdly abled? Or Jenni?" David asked Sharon.
"No. . . no." Sharon
replied.
"They preferred their version of
you as a neurotic rather than as a weirdly abled
person?"
"They just treated the
symptoms."
The rest of the interview
included explorations of the steps Dave had taken in
terms of physical exercise - including swimming and
starting a lawn mowing business - and discussions about
changes to Dave's diet and the effects of these changes
on self-control. Importantly time was also spent talking
with Jenni about the effects the changes in the family
were having on her life. It was acknowledged that Jenni
also needed appreciation for the changes that were taking
place. Now that Jenni could stop spending so much of her
time worrying about her mother, everyone spoke about
whether she would now be able to have a bit more
fun.
Entry #9
Letter written to the Murphy family after the eighth
meeting
Dear Dave, Jenni and
Sharon:
It was really great to catch
up with you all in 1996. It made me wonder if 1996
mightn't be a very interesting year for each and everyone
of you. And especially for you, Jenni.
Dave, your 'new Dave' really
has taken off this year although it's clear that he had
made an appearance around December last year. Do you
think your 'new David' is in a partnership with your new
self-controlling ways? Why I ask this is:
1) if your Problem was still
controlling your body and mind, how could you possibly
have initiated a lawn mowing round?
2) if your Problem was still
controlling your body and mind, how could you possibly
have committed yourself to organised sports and gaining a
Duke of Edinburgh medal?
3) if your Problem was still
controlling your body and mind, how could you have
determined the prospect of a B+ or A in Phys.
Ed?
Is the 'new David' also in
partnership with the family tradition of 'can do, no
matter what'? Did you take hope from the accomplishments
of those who came before you in your family? Did the 'old
Dave' believe he was a hopeless case? Were the Problem
and h
opelessness partners? Dave,
do you wonder what would have become of you if your mum
had given up hope in you too? Do you wonder what would
have happened if she had believed she was a "neurotic old
bag" rather than believing she was a 'weirdly abled'
parent?
Sharon, do you think your
'weirdly abled' parenting is starting to pay off for you,
Dave and Jenni? Are you glad you kept faith in your
beliefs despite many others critiquing you? Do you marvel
at yourself that you kept your faith in yourself for so
long?
Sharon, is it possible that
your life is the inspiration for Dave's 'new
Dave'?
Dave, can you keep an eye out
for how your "alertness" has you "learning a lot more"?
Do you find such learning to your liking? Have your
'weirdly abled' ways kept that mind of yours from going
rusty? Are food and learning connected some how or other?
As I am personally interested, can you keep me in touch
with these developments?
Dave, does the 'new Dave'
like himself more because others are liking him more? Or
are other people liking him more because the 'new Dave'
likes himself more? Or is it a bit of both? That is
something else I am personally interested in. For
example, how would you explain that your supply of
self-confidence has increased by 6 feet. That would be
something around a 33% increase from the last time we
measured, wouldn't it?
Dave, I wish we had more time
to discuss how your newfound self-confidence is having
you believe in yourself more and doubt yourself less. I
wish I could hear more stories like the one you told us
about believing in yourself more on the trains on your
way to school.
Dave, I thought it was very
nice of nyou to have the 'old Dave' back every so often,
especially if things get too dull. However, you may be
too busy for that with everything you are getting up to.
Do you think we should make a place for the 'old Dave' in
our meetings? Is it fair to just dump him? After all, he
has been with you for a very long time and perhaps that
very fact should be acknowledged. What do you
think?
Jenni, do you think it is
time to pay more attention to you now that Dave is
starting to pay attention to himself? Has all the worry
that Dave's Problem got you to do meant that you have got
out of the practice of having fun? I would guess that fun
and worry really don't mix very well. What do you think?
Sharon, what do you think? Will 1996 be a year for you
all to find your way back to fun?
Yours
sincerely,
David.
Entry
#10 Tenth meeting: the formal signing of the affidavit of
"New Dave"
AFFIDAVIT
I started to become a 'new Dave'
shortly after I first visited David Epston at The Family
Therapy Centre in August. My mother arranged counselling
through the New Zealand Child and Young Person's Service
(New Lynn). She had been convinced for some time that
this was something both I and my family needed. At the
time, my family was in crisis and on the point of
breaking up.
At the first meeting I saw mum's
side of the story and that she was getting too distraught
to cope with my Problem. I started thinking about the
Problem in a different way. I had already gone through a
foster home and the only thing that kept me from going
insane was my mother's letters. They arrived as regular
as clock-work once a week on Fridays. I looked forward to
those letters as they were just from mum. I realised I
had taken my mother for granted until I went and lived
with my dad. My heart grew fonder for my mum and I sort
of missed my sister, Jenni.
So the beginning of my decision
to be a 'new Dave' goes back to 1992. But what actually
brought me closer to making up my mind was that somehow
or other, I and my sister, Jenni, worked together
secretly to organise a 'Mother Appreciation party' for
our beloved mother. This seemed to pave the way for me to
be a 'new Dave'.
The first sign of my 'new Dave'
was that the persistent fighting between me and Jenni
stopped really overnight. I wouldn't have believed such
peace between me and Jenni could have been possible.
Jenni was just as surprised as I was. This allowed me to
believe much more was possible than this. My next step
was stopping some annoying habits like going into Jenni's
room uninvited. This, I knew, really upset Jenni. My
mother believes these changes had a lot to do with the
family characteristic of just making up your mind and
sticking with it. My mother has told us that without such
a personal philosophy she would not have been able to get
through her life. When I gave it some thought, I realised
I couldn't have put it any better myself. My mother is a
very good example of the philosophy. Still, I was taken
aback when I broke the
'going-into-Jenni's-room-without-being-invited' habit and
I did have doubts that I could do that. But I patted
myself on the back mentally when I did. I think too I
felt I was becoming a 'new Dave' in the second
meeting.
The second meeting was one in
which according to my mother, I "recognised what Grandma
Peg is like and what Nana Holland was like and what
Granddaddy was like and what Uncle Kevin was like". She
wondered: "Did you realise that you weren't so strange
after all? That you were you? And you came from a long
line of people that were like this?" I replied: "If they
could do what they have done and still come out on top, I
could do it". All the people I had been in contact with
about my problem gave me the distinct impression that I
was a hopeless case. And my mother gained the impression
that as she put it, "I am a neurotic old bag that makes a
nuisance of herself". No one realised that we were
'weirdly abled' and that we deserve to be respected for
that although not everyone can or will understand us My
mother has become convinced however that although we have
"very different" ways, they have "worked for
us".
My next step in my 'new Dave'
was experimenting with ways to increase the control over
my body and mind. First of all, I started up a lawn
mowing business and I received some feedback from my
customers that my service was tidier than professionals.
I joined a swimming team in order to meet some of the
requirements for a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award. And I
even decided to try in Physical Education. I also stuck
at watering the garden which took me half an hour every
night. My mother commented regarding my lawn mowing that
I pay a lot of "attention to detail" . If I was the 'old
Dave', such a business would have just gone down the
proverbial drain.
My sister believes there is some
substance to my 'new Dave' in that she noted that I now
even cut our lawn within 2 hours. Before, my mother or my
sister would have always ended up doing it. My sister,
Jenni, has been somewhat overshadowed by my 'new Dave'
and for that reason my mother and her decided to keep in
mind how much she had invested in keeping our family
going. My mother decided to pay more attention to her as
she, to my way of thinking, was becoming
"jealous".
My 'new Dave' also experimented
with my diet and self-control and has come up with some
interesting results. For example, I have started eating a
breakfast which has meant I am more alert at school and
am learning more. The 'old Dave' would have usually just
had a cup of tea and whizzed away. All this 'new Dave'
stuff has had quite an effect on my view of myself.
Before, I felt kind of like a person with a pimple on
their face whom nobody likes. Then it was like this
person had gone to the doctors and they put a whole lot
of liquid nitrogen on the pimple, it slowly went away and
people start liking the person again. David asked me if
people are approaching me for my friendship and I said in
reply "Yes. Before I would get one hullo when I walked
into the class and that would be from the teacher and
would be a general one to everybody. But now I am getting
about two or four hullos just to me."
You are probably wondering what
effect my 'new Dave' is having on my mother. She is
really enjoying her life. Another good thing is that my
sister, Jenni, instead of worrying 75% of her worry about
our mother, is in my opinion now only worrying 10% of her
worry about mum and 90% about herself. We were all
concerned that Jenni doesn't know how to have fun and our
therapy wants to see her allow more fun into her life. My
mother has also concluded that she has not had any fun in
her life.
One of the big things about my
'new Dave' is that I have heaps more self-confidence than
when I was the 'old Dave'. For example, I can confidently
go out. I always used to be scared poopless about
catching the wrong train. Now I am not always doubting
myself and I am believing in my own ideas.
I know you won't believe this,
as the 'old Dave' never got any better marks than Ds and
Es, but so far this year the 'new Dave' is getting lots
of As and even an A+ in Maths. All up the "new Dave" is
getting about a B+ average.
My mother now believes that we
are a really great family, a lot better than most because
we have had to be so close. However, she has made it
clear to Jenni and me that she now wants more of a life
of her own. Jenni and I are finding this difficult but we
do know how much this means to mum. She broke down and
cried when she told us about it.
David thought we should provide
you with a transcript of an important conversation we had
together:
David: "Did you make any New
Year's resolutions for the 'new Dave'? Did you say
good-bye to the 'old Dave'? Which Dave are you more at
home with now?"
Dave: "Well, you can't really
get rid of the 'old Dave'. The 'old Dave' is still
lurking about. The 'old Dave' is really crafty. He is
basically a thief."
David: "What does the 'new Dave'
do when the 'old Dave' sneaks back?"
Dave: "Sometimes it gets too
dull for too long, so I think: "It is too dull . . . . .
I want some excitement!" Then I let the 'old Dave' come
back. BUT ONLY FOR AWHILE AND CONTROLLED!"
Sharon: "What about for 5
minutes per year?"
My mum wanted to add some stuff
to my affidavit:
"The most noticeable thing is
the total abstinence of violence. Before it was daily and
bad. We have only had two incidents in the last 6 months
and they were not major. Squabbling is in the normal
boundaries. Dave now controls himself. We are a
close-knit family and my children realise that we have
more than an ordinary family has. I no longer have to
watch over them all the time. What proves to me that the
'new Dave' is new is that he does things without being
asked".
David Epston contributed to this
letter by asking us questions and typing up our
answers.
In our opinion the above is a
faithful record of events since NZC&YPS started
supporting our counselling at The Family Therapy
Centre.
Signed by Dave Murphy: . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Signed by Sharon Murphy
(Mother): . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.
and Jenni Murphy (sister): . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Chroniclers'summary
It has been fascinating to
witness how each of the members of this family came to
use their own authority and pride with the people and
institutions they encounter and to identify the
significance that their legacy of 'weirdly abledness' has
played and co
ntinues to play in their lives
How many families have you met that have a clear sense of
possessing a unique spirit, their own brand of humour and
'weirdly abled' ways? Perilously few, we
suspect.
Do the 'weirdly abled' merit
'weirdly abled' therapists? Should 'able' therapists
consider whether their practices require 'weirdly abled'
people to 'fit in' to established norms? Might it be more
ethically responsible to respect the "weirdly or uniquely
abled" for their persistence and courage to "stand out"
?
David and the Murphy's still
meet together every so often. The conversations that they
share are somewhat different now; there is more
appreciation for each other, themselves, and their
ways.
At a recent meeting Sharon
lamented that due to her being 'different' all her life
she has never been understood by anybody. David disagreed
and pointed to Dave and Jenny. Since then Sharon has been
telling her children about her history. This led Jenni to
an enriched "mother appreciation" and to say, "She looks
worn on the outside but inside of her it's like an
antique shop with so many interesting and rich things
scattered here and there."
Jenni has now been admitted into
the "largest group at school" which she proudly calls
"the weirds."
She serves as philosopher to the
group, providing perspective rather than advice.
Advocating for 'the weirds' is sometimes a risky
undertaking but it is one that Jenni sees as
important.
Dave meanwhile has set himself
the Herculean task of orienting his interest to the
thoughts of others rather than orating his own. He was
unabashed about accepting that this could very well be a
life-long challenge.
Notes
1 For further
reference to the idea of weird and special abilities see
Freeman et. al (1997) pps. 179-192.
2 After reviewing the
pre-publication draft of this article, Sharon provided
this introduction.
3 This quote has been
slightly adapted for ease of understanding in this
different context.
4 For further
information on the "Consulting Your Consultants
Interview" see Epston & White 1995.}
References
Barry, Lynda(1993) Marlys Guide
to Weirdos. Funny Times, April.
Epston, D., & White, M.
(1995). "Ben" , Consulting Your Consultants: A Means to
the Co-Construction of Alternative Knowledges, in
Friedman, S (Ed), The Reflecting Team in Action:
Collaborative Practice in Family Therapy, Guilford: New
York.
Freeman, J. C., Epston, D.,
& Lobovits, D. H. (1997). Playful approaches to
serious problems: Narrative therapy with children and
their families. New York: Norton.
White, M. & Epston, D.
(1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York:
Norton.
