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Dean and Jenny
have been recruiting families that are beset by Tempers,
Fighting, Bickering, and other forms of contention to join
others in becoming a "Peace Family." Dean came upon this
idea interviewing various family members about their
preferences for "peace" in their family life. Many spoke
against hostility and violence in their own histories, their
current lives, in the media, and in the culture at large.
They wanted to draw the line at permitting such ways of
relating into their own homes and lives. They were willing
to band together to protest the effects of a culture that
condones violence within families. For example, they went to
such measures as turning off TV at times, not buying
violence-supporting products, signing "non-proliferation
treaties," or circulating peace proclamations announcing
their peaceful intentions.
Reflections
on the Peace Family Project: One family's story.
Dean Lobovits and
Jennifer Freeman*
Sandy searched under the sink for
the dish detergent. A rank odor from the overflowing garbage
can crawling with ants assailed her nose. "Alex." she
yelled, the familiar anger making her face burn. She
anticipated with dread the familiar power struggle with her
11 year old step son. 'Why can't he just do this one damn
thing?' she muttered to herself 'He is so spoiled!' The
usual excuses from Alex would be followed by his threats,
his tantrum, and finally a lengthy bout of sulleness
punctuated by fights with his brother Ray. 'Why didn't he
take out the garbage sooner? Why do always I have to be the
one to stay on him?'
Alex's begrudging whine of "What d'
ya want?" filled her ears. As she turned towards his voice,
a piece of paper caught her eye and triggered her memory.
She had told their family therapist Dean a month before
exactly what she wanted to happen in her new family of under
two years. Foremost, she wanted her husband Jackson to deal
with this kind of "garbage" himself. He needed to accomplish
this without setting her up by blowing up at Alex when she
complained about him. Jackson defended Alex by saying that
she was "obsessively neat."
She had made a commitment not to
"smoulder" but instead to confront Jackson directly and
honestly. Jackson had made a commitment to listen and care
about Alex's frustrations and worries and hold him to his
promises. It was all laid out in black and white on the
"Peace Agreement" taped to the phone machine at the end of
the counter.
"I'm bored." Alex grabbed the
remote control for the TV out of his brother Ray's hand. His
step-mother Sandy and he had been battling over the
"coming-home-from-school routine" ever since he stepped
inside the door. He had been eating his after-school snack
for what seemed like only 10 seconds before she had began to
bug him about his errands and homework. Oh man, he'd had
enough of that kind of thing at school. Some adult wanting
him to do some thing in an endless parade of "you have to's"
punctuated by a few precious moments of "kickin' it" with
his friends. What was the point?
Alex hit the channel button ripping
his younger brother's cartoon from the screen. Ray let out a
piercing screech. Nine-year-old Ray felt the urge to hit
Alex hard, but since he knew Alex's revenge would exact a
lot more pain from him than he could deliver, he resisted.
Just as he was about to emit a second car-alarm-wail
(hopefully loud enough to bring Sandy's protection and
reprimand of Alex.), he was startled by Alex handing the
remote back to him and telling him to put his show back on.
Ray was momentarily flabbergasted,
but then he saw something that made him remember why Alex
might concede the battle for the remote without a fight--a
scrap of paper with the words PEACE CONTROL written on it
was taped to its back.
During the family therapy meeting
of a month earlier, Sandy her husband Jackson, and his sons
Alex and Ray had faced the fighting in their home and laid
the ground for these peacemaking ideas with their therapist
Dean. The meeting had started with Sandy laying out her
desparation about the family dynamics.
"Do you think your'e on your way to
being portrayed as an evil stepmother?" Dean
asked.
Sandy looked at Dean, with quickly
reddening eyes. "I used to think that June, Jackson's
ex-wife, was a shrew. She had nothing about complaints about
him, but now I hate to say I understand what she was talking
about. I'm the first one to leave for work in the morning
and first one to come home so I'm the one who's there to
watch Alex when he stays with us."
"Yesterday I was looking down at a
sink full of breakfast dishes and thinking 'Why couldn't
Jackson or one of the boys clean these up before he goes to
work or school? How come they're waiting for me when I come
home?' and it struck me that I'm the one who's left with the
dirty messes in this family and that when I say how I feel
about it I'm the new shrew."
"So, do you think that evil
step-mothers are created when they try to clean up their
husband's family messes for them?"
"That a strange way to say it but
it sounds true for me."
"And that if they ask him to do it
himself, they'll be seen as a nagging shrew?"
"Uh huh."
"It's not just the dishes though. I
heard you saying earlier that they are a symbol, right? Do
you mind if I clarify with you what you feel the real mess
is that you have to clean up?"
"No I don't. It's the conflicts in
his relationships. The unfinished stuff with his ex, his
family, and the problems that kids typically have with their
mothers that he leaves to me--doing house jobs, forgetting
homework, getting to bed, cleaning their room--that kind of
stuff. He just lets them go and they build up and fester
until I can't stand it anymore. I guess I walked into it
really thinking that it was all June's stuff and that I
could do better. Well, I should have known better. After
pride comes the fall and I've sure fallen hard!"
"Was that the 'devil's bargain'
that led you unwittingly into the 'evil step-mother' role?"
asked Dean.
"You could put it that way, yeah.
Jackson and I fight over this all the time."
"What would you advise yourself and
other women who might find themselves in a similar situation
to do about this?"
"Smoldering in resentment or
self-blame doesn't help. I've got to confront him directly
and honestly about which of his conflicts are getting dumped
on me."
"So you think that if you
confronted Jackson directly and honestly instead of
smoldering he could resolve the relationship conflicts you
would be handing back to him?"
"It would be hard for me to let him
struggle with it because he wouldn't do it the way I would
do it. But I could respect his way of doing it if he really
did deal with the conflict and not just blow up at the
person, make excuses for them, or tell me I was making a
mountain out of a molehill."
ASSIST OR LIST THE PROGRESSIVE
CAUSE OF YOUR CHOICE!
"That's not the way I want it!"
asserted Jackson. "I grew up with that stuff and I hated it.
Every time my old man got pissed at what I did he'd slap me
around or put me down with insults. I don't know which was
worse. I don't want to do that to my boys or the women in my
life. I swore to myself that I never would and now here I am
doing the same type of thing. Where will it all end?"
"Do you feel surrounded by a
culture of violence?" asked Dean.
"Yeah, its everywhere," agreed
Jackson. "On the street, on the news, on TV, in the movies,
its even in the cartoons they make for the kids."
"It's a challenge to get out of a
long-term pattern of violent behavior when your're immersed
in a culture that supports it, isn't it? Especially for a
man, when so many male images equate heroism with being
aggressive--like in sports."
"Uh huh," murmured Jackson,
"especially for a man in my business. Most of the guys I'm
around every day don't know how to settle anything without
threats. Jeez, I wish my sons didn't have to experience this
everywhere, especially not at home. I wish I could at least
raise my own sons in a peaceful, non-violent home
environment."
Just two days before this
conversation, Alex, and Ray had been dropped off by their
step-mother at their father's work place. Jackson had been
trying to get his work done when a fight broke out between
them.
"I had really had it up to here."
Jackson explained, waving his hand a foot over his head. "I
needed to do business with my customers on the phone and
they were at again. Something just snapped and I lost it. I
was smacking them around and screaming at the top of my
lungs. I swore to myself I'd never raise my hand after what
my father did to me but there I was breaking my own vow."
Jackson paused with a catch in his voice.
"I need another way to handle this
dammit. The way I did it last Thursday just isn't Okay. with
me and its not the role model I want for them either. I'm
becoming more irritable and impatient with them all the
time. That's not the kind of father I want to be. That's the
way my old man was--always bristling with anger."
"It sounds like you're really
looking for a different way to handle the boy's conflict and
your feelings as well."
"Yeah. I'm fed up with myself and
the fighting between them. Ever since I was divorced they
haven't been able to be together without a major fight. My
ex-wife and I have to split them up. Most of the time, I
have Ray and she's got Alex. Last year I tried to take both
of them on a vacation and we had to turn around and drive
back because they couldn't be in the car together."
"You tried to have a vacation
together with them and the fighting came along with
you?"
"Yeah, we couldn't get away from
it. They brewed up a spat in the back seat. I blew my top in
the front. Sandy was surrounded with testosterone. That's no
way to have a good time."
Alex interrupted his father. "It
was better before you married Sandy, Dad. She's bossy and
she made you mean. First she gets on my case and then she
convinces you to do it too. I wanna stay at mom's full
time."
Ray disagreed: "If you did what she
asked you to Alex instead of giving her a hard time, she
wouldn't have to go to Dad."
"Shut up Ray, you don't know
anything."
"You shut up."
Jackson gave Dean a forlorn look.
"See what I mean?"
"Alex doesn't respect me." Sandy
added, then turned from Dean to Alex saying. "I'm not asking
you to do what I want. I am asking you to do what's right,
like clean up your room and do your homework. I need your
Dad to support me because he's at work and I'm home alone
with you and you need to listen to me. That's why I go to
him and tell him to tell you to do that."
Alex appealed to Dean. "She makes
it sound like she doesn't pick on me for every little
thing."
Jackson jumped back into the fray:
"Alex leave your brother alone and don't talk about Sandy
like that!"
Dean interrupted the beginning of
another spat by asking Jackson, "Is it Okay with you if I
talk with the boys about the fighting?"
"Be my guest."
"Ray," said Dean pointing to a
shelf full of sandtray toys, "Would you be interested in
going over there and picking out an animal that's like the
fighting that goes on in your family."
While Ray headed over to inspect
the array of miniature figures, Dean turned to Alex. "Was
what just happened a good example of the kind of fighting
that can take over in your father's house."
"Uh huh, that's pretty
typical."
"How does the fighting work its
ways? What would the next move be for you in this
fight?"
"What do you mean--'next
move'?"
"I mean you said something about
Sandy, Ray said something about you, Sandy said something
about your Dad, and your Dad said something about you."
"Oh, I guess it's time for me to
say something about Ray again or I could go after Sandy. It
doesn't matter who I said something about, pretty soon Dad
would go off."
"You're pretty smart at figuring
this out. Do you mind if I ask you another
question?"
"Nope."
"Could someone else start something
that would make you go off?"
"Yeah. Sandy does that when she
goes to dad and Ray does it when he goes to
Sandy."
"Is there anyone that anyone else
couldn't make go off?"
After a moment's calculation Alex
concluded, "Nope."
Just then Ray turned around with a
Lion in his hand saying, "When someone goes off it's like a
lion roaring. But the roaring starts when somebody steps on
his tail."
"Hey, does that mean you could
catch fighting by the tail before it turns someone in the
family into a roaring lion?" asked Dean.
This question set off a roar of
laughter and spate of Lion puns:
"If I catch you Lion around, I'll
step on your tail."
"When I tell tails nobody better
step on them."
"If you think that's funny, your
Lion."
"Would you rather roar with
laughter than start an uproar?" asked Dean.
Alex and Ray agreed that a
"naughty" uproar was a fun thing but that a family fight
full of hurt feelings and hitting really stunk.
Dean asked each family member if
they would be interested in getting the bad kind of fighting
out of their house. They all expressed interest in this and
were curious to talk about how this might work.
Jackson replied earnestly, "I'd do
anything to keep violence and fighting out of my life and my
family. A home should be sweet and peaceful not scary and
hostile."
Jackson's words helped Dean to
focus on a variety of musings he had had reverberating in
his head for many years. He reflected on the sociological
changes he had witnessed in his own lifetime and how these
affected both the familes he saw and what he had to deal
with as a family therapist.
Divorce, Dean reflected, was no
longer a rarity but an expectable life event (Carter &
McGoldrick, 1988). It had changed the shape of many a family
and children's roles within it. Children gained new
relations that are hard to name-- producing explanations
such as "my step-mother's step-child who lives with us
during the summer." New multi-modal gender, cultural, and
economic roles and structures are being created by
alternative lifestyles. Periodic migrations take place
across religious backgrounds, racial identities, sexual
preferences, and economic statuses. Children become shuttle
diplomats or shuttlecocks in a game of parental
badminton.
In Dean's mind the family violence
that boys and men participated in was woven into these
changes. He remembered a time many years before when he was
about to give a talk on his ideas about male disconnection,
jealousy, and violence. That same week, he had read in the
newspaper about a newly divorced man who lived in a nearby
town who had murdered his wife's lover, his wife, his two
children, and then himself. Maybe it was due to the pensive
state he was in from dwelling on these topics in preparation
for his talk, or maybe it was the sheer nihilism of the
man's desperation but he had been seared with his own
memories of lovers lost to other men--the shame, the rage,
the fantasies of revenge....it was frightening to face these
potentials.
The information age family had
morphed into a recombinant structure during Dean's career
life. Sub-nuclear family parts combined into an
unprecidented variety of blended and step-family
configurations. Some of the questions he had to think about
as a family therapist included: How do the changing
male/female roles in these families get worked out? What
myths, rituals, and rites of passages are we developing to
meet the challenges of family relationships of our age?
For complex reasons, a male's
expected and exclusive role as an emotional protector or
financial provider for his mate and children seems to have
gone the way of previous predominantly male roles such as
hunter and warrior. Are the roles men played in the
primitive horde, the clan, the extended family, and many of
those in the nuclear family as well, anachronisms in the
informational age? One thing these roles have in common is
that they require only a limited development of the capacity
to create affectional bonds. Men can no longer replace these
bonds with instrumental roles like provider and protector.
Especially within new forms of family life, men can't rely
on biological mother's to maintain the affectional work or
play for them. They can't rely on blood ties to form those
bonds with their step children.
Carol Gilligan (1982) in her
critique of the male bias of Lawrence Kohlberg's work on
moral development points out that the female focus on
affiliation and attachment is often construed as a less
developed moral stance than the individual vs. society
philosophy that characterizes male responses to moral
dilemmas. Is this focus actually the more adaptive stance
now? Could it be that in order to adapt to new family roles,
males must develop their capacity to attach, affiliate and
develop the kind of affectional bonds that a recombinant
family requires?
There is painfully little
sociocultural support for males in our age to deepen their
capacity to attach to and affiliate with non blood-related
children, ex-wives, or in-laws for that matter. Is the
ability to develop emotional attachments beyond ingrained
biological, legal, and culturally supported relations is a
primary developmental task for men in the informational age?
What would the impact be on hopes for world peace if this
can't be accomplished? At a recent conference entitled
"Peacemaking: the Power of Nonviolence", convened with three
Nobel Peace Laureates, and many other Peace workers
globally, the focus began with personal peace and peace in
the family, moving on through peace in schools and local
societies, on to global peace. At this conference, Martin
Luther King Jr. was quoted as saying:
"Whatever affects one directly,
affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be
until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated
structure of reality".
Isn't the recombinant family
structure an ideal "site" for this lesson? It presents a
multitude of opportunities to create and nourish affectional
bonds with non-related step-parents, step-siblings, and
extended step-family members. The challenge is to accomplish
this without breaking the bonds with non-custodial parents,
their families and ex-spouses. It is a truly a fertile
ecological niche for an adaptation to a new type of male
socialization.
Shouldn't men like Jackson as well
as men in nuclear families prepare their sons for the
likelihood that they will be a child or a father in a
recombinant family instead of a blood-related family or be
required to flourish in a diverse and shifting work
environment instead of a tribe or a family farm? Shouldn't
therapists who are working with recombinant families,
single-parent families, same-sex couple families and their
members be challenged to articulate the emergence of a new
story or myth for males in these families? In this story,
fathers teach their sons how peace begins with their
relationships at home, extends to their future mates and
families and spreads to their relations with others on the
planet.
When Dean was talking with Jackson,
Sandy, Alex, and Ray, these thoughts had just begun to gell.
It was only later that he realized his global dreams had
coalesced into an idea for simple local action. At the time,
he was moved by how Jackson wanted his family to be a
cultural site for peace instead of violence.
Dean had become aware of how the
idea of a creating an alternative cultural site could be
utilized in therapy from his studies with Michael White
(Epston & White, 1992: White,1989, 1991, 1995). White's
scholarship had renewed his interest in his half-forgotten
readings of Michele Foucault (1965, 1990) and Erving Goffman
(1961) in the early 70's. White and David Epston's
application of these ideas had amazed him (Epston et. al.
1995a; White & Epston, 1990). Especially Epston's
Anti-anorexia league (Madigan & Epston, 1995; Epston,
Morris & Maisel 1995b). Their idea was elegant in its
simplicity. If a dominant culture imposed an internal
conformity to its norms then an alternative cultural network
could be developed to support liberation from those
oppressive conventions.
Now Dean was witnessing Jackson
hungering for changes that stood in contrast to the culture
of violence and old fashioned expectations of family roles.
Jackson wanted to be an island of peace in a cultural sea of
"might makes right". At heart Jackson supported his wife who
did not want to carry on a gender role that set her up for
failure. In response, Dean did not mention male
socialization, gender roles, information ages, affectional
bonds, cultural sites, anti-anorexia, or Narrative therapy.
Instead, the words just slipped out: "You all seem
interested in creating a peace family! How would you like to
start a peace family project?"
Several members of the family
nodded in unison. Alex muttered "yeah, why not". Dean next
step was to ask Alex and Ray to help him make a colorful map
of the house, which they set to keenly. On a sketch of the
house plan they filled in the areas that fighting had
control over with various shades of red designating how hot
the area was. This mapping revealed that the hottest area
was the boy's room and that the hottest spot was the
TV--actually they had determined it was the remote control
not the TV itself the deserved that distinction. Their
parents had listened avidly relating their own bickering to
that of the boys.
"Is a peace family a family that
has devoted itself to bring peace 'back home?'" Dean mused."
Peace to their interactions with each other, across gender
differences, generations, and kin relations. Is it also
about a feeling of serenity for each individual member--a
chance to "shed your skin" or "be yourself and be accepted
and respected."
So many external forces divide and
conquer family relationships not only by encouraging
disrespectful and conflictual interactions but by imposing
internal self-regulation and by intimidating, disqualifying
and silencing any protest. Dean understood the perennial
remote control fight as a classic example and found its
parallel in the daily power imbalances of such things as
age, gender, race, or economics.
American children like Alex and Ray
are expected to conform to group norms--to "fit in," "be
considerate," "think of others rather than just themselves."
Certainly these are worthwhile communal values, but these
children live in an individualistic society that actively
discounts relational values and glorifies individualistic
accomplishments like aggression, winning, and making money.
What are children like Alex supposed to do with
contradictions like these. Everyday they experience
dominating people gaining the rewards, might making right.
Sensitivity and caring are the attributes of sissies.
Is it really that much different
for Jackson as a worker or Sandy as a worker and a woman? As
Foucault (1965) pointed out: If you speak up and protest
you'll be silenced through internal or external discipline.
R.D. Laing (Laing & Esterson, 1970) used the term
"mystification" to describe the bit of crazy making business
that occurs when someone gives up on trying to be articulate
about this kind of stuff and just starts acting destructive
or weird. Isn't this situation the one that Gregory Bateson
and Don Jackson (Bateson, 1971, Jackson 1967) described as a
"double bind?"
When Alex comes home from a day at
school its no wonder he finds his little brother a
convenient target for his frustration and domination. Ray
responds in kind seeking out a an ally (Sandy) to equalize
the power imbalance he experiences. As Betty Carter
explicated it if Sandy follows the gender role prescription
to maintain the mothering role for her husbands blood
related children she's going to end up being assigned the
role of evil step-mother (Walters et. al. 1988). The kids
will resent her intrusion into their relationship with their
father and her attempts to replace their mother.
Her husband will not feel compelled
to form a "mothering" relationship with his children
himself. He won't have the cultural support for developing
those qualities in himself--he will be culturally supported
in finding a "replacement mother." He won't have the cltural
support to develop the internal qualities necessary to deal
with the resolving the conflicts necessary to maintain a
functional parenting relationship with his ex-wife. He'll be
culturally supported to rigidify the conflict by becoming
emotional cut-off from her.
Dean had learned the hard way over
the years that these cultural contradictions easily escape
therapeutic attention. When the family or its members and
not the problems end up in therapy then therapy becomes
another cultural site for discipline, diagnosis, and
confirming the status quo. Dean, Richard Maisel, and
Jennifer Freeman wrote (Lobovits et al. 1995) that
cross-fertilizing families with different ideas that they
themselves generate-- ideas like the ones that come out of a
Peace Family Project-- helps to develop an alternative
cultural site--one that puts mystifying processes and
dominant cultural contradictions on the spot and the family
off of it.
Charles Waldegrave, Kiwi Tomasesee,
Flora Tuhaka , and Warihi Campbell (Waldegrave 1990, 1991;
Tomasese & Wladegrave, 1993) had inspired Dean, Jennifer
Freeman, and David Epston (1997) to write:
Many family and child problems are
not entirely of our individual making or under our
individual control. Rather, they reside in the imbalances in
our society--which value the individual over community, the
secular over the sacred, the masculine over the feminine,
money over time, the affluent over the poor, etc. These
imbalances press on families, threatening to "divide and
conquer" them. Fear, frustration, or desperation can take
over, leading to hostility and resignation. Everyday family
interactions can become tinged with bitterness, sarcasm, and
accusation. (pp. 193)
"So here's the list I've
gathered of the most serious fighting hot spots: The dinner
table at homework time; The bathroom in the morning when it
gets heavy use; The car when someone wants 'shotgun'; and
The TV remote control in the boys room. Which one of these
would be the best place to begin our conspiracy against
fighting? Which one would prove that the peace agreements
you've committed yourselves to are for real?"
"Let's take a vote." Ray suggested.
Secret ballot voting seemed like a good democratic,
pro-peace, anti-fighting idea. Voting as a method of
choosing was agreed to by consensus (another pro-peace
process). The TV remote was the winner by a landslide.
"How should we take the remote away
from fighting and put it in hands of peace?" Dean
asked.
Alex had an idea. "We take turns
picking shows and we have a clause in our peace agreement
that says that everyone has the right to control the TV when
its their turn and that no one can take away that
right."
"You're into rights aren't
you?"
"Yeah, I think respecting someone's
rights is what it's all about."
"Where'd you get that
idea?"
"I heard about in history but I
really learned it from Dad. I love when he says that he
respects my right to disagree."
"So you're interested in expanding
rights in the family?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mind if I conduct a little
experiment?"
"What is it?"
"Well let's suppose this pen was
the remote control. You sit here and Alex you sit there. Now
suppose Alex is watching a program and the remote is on the
table n front of him within your reach just like it is now.
I'll be Fighting and I'll whisper in your ear and try to get
you to pick it up and turn the channel. Are you
game?"
"Okay, I'll try it."
Dean whispers in Alex's ear, "Go on
take it, you're bigger than him what can he do about it
anyway." (Alex doesn't pick it up.)
"Why didn't that work?"
"He'll just tell Sandy or Dad and
it will start the Lion roaring."
"You are quick!" "Okay here's
another one. Go on pick it up, you can threaten to kick his
ass if he so much a raises a peep." (Alex doesn't pick it
up.)
"I guess you really are committed
to peace and can see how stepping on the Lion's tail will
start the roaring. I'll have to try another tack beside
intimidation huh. He did it to you last time you can tell
Dad and Sandy that you're getting even." (Alex's hand jerks
but he still doesn't pick it up.)
"You're getting tough for peace,
you won't buy fighting's excuses. Alright one last try. "Why
care? Why not start a fight? Nothing's gonna really change.
You might as well blow it up here and go live with your
mom!" (Alex goes for the "remote control" (pen) but then he
puts it down.
"Hopelessness almost worked, didn't
it? You were tempted to give up and say 'forget it' weren't
you? Are you going to have to use your hope to maintain the
peace?"
"I guess when I'm down I'm nasty,"
admitted Alex, "and then even if I know it's going to cause
a blow up, I just don't care."
"How should we remind you about
that fantastic pro-peace insight so you can use it against
the fighting?"
"I got an idea." Ray proposed,
"Let's put something on the TV."
"Why not on the remote control
itself?"
"Yeah, something like PEACE
CONTROL."
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