A Portrait of Betrayal
CAROLINE [20]
Some time ago, two entities tried very hard to become my friends. The both eventually succeeded, one almost constantly helping the other. They pervaded my thoughts and feelings to the point where I was simply exhausted, physically and mentally. These two very powerful entities soon became my enemies. Currently, I am trying to destroy them which has turned out to be a very difficult and challenging task. To help you (and me) understand just how omnipotent they are, let me tell you a bit about them and how they came to befriend me…
It all started when I put on a relatively small amount of weight. Anorexia introduced herself momentarily, telling me that this weight was too much. She told me about her bosom buddy, bulimia and that bulimia would a great friend of mine. And with her, I could control what was going on, not just physically but emotionally as well.
At first, I was hesitant – I ‘d heard some dubious things about this bulimia. I decided to try out this friendship on a trial basis with the intention of only using her for a short while (or so I thought). I had no idea just how formidable she was; or how tricky she would be to discharge her from myself.
However, before long she was the one in control, not me. I found her very difficult to get rid of. Sometimes she would visit me daily for weeks on end, making me feel awful. Hang on, bulimia was supposed to be a great solution, but I was finding that this wasn’t so. She made my stomach ache, my teeth rot, my eyes sore, my face puffy and the guilt that she made me feel was overwhelming. Ah yes, but I was ‘IN CONTROL’, wasn’t I?????
As time went by, anorexia wormed her way into my affections too. She promised me that she would make everything better- again not only in the physical sense but she would take care of my emotional problems as well. With all the turmoil and numerous decisions I had to make at such a confusing time in my life, anorexia assured me that even though I couldn’t control my life, I could control ME. Hey, she would be more than glad to help! Some help!! She made me feel all sorts of horrible things- guilty, anxious, sad, lonely and that I just wasn’t’ really that worthwhile as a person, AT LEAST NOT WITHOUT HER!). She promised me that I didn’t have to grow up by robbing me of a woman’s body, and that she would take all the negative aspects of my character. With my low self esteem, it was easy for me to believe her assurances. The irony was that she took even more of my self-love because I felt responsible for her stupid creation.
Anorexia and bulimia loved to get me when I was on my own and vulnerable. They would tell me how they could take over for me so that I would escape all the stress of my life and even my very emotions. Together, they helped each other to weaken my spirit and then fed off my low energy levels and eroded away my self esteem like vultures.
Anorexia told me that starving myself and exercising my fragile body was just fine, admirable, in fact, and utterly necessary. At least I was in control of something. And while I was thinking about kilojoules and fat content, I certainly wasn’t worrying about anything else, right!
For a long time (looking back I consider it way too long), I have let this conniving pair manipulate me and the way I feel. The so-called friendship they offer you is a deception. They are cunning, devious and plain old nasty. The problem is that when I tried to fight them, they fight back with a vengeance – the bitches!!! My voice becomes entangled with theirs so it became hard for me to tell what I was saying from what they were saying to me.
So I invested in allies to help me fight- a counsellor, friends and relatives. I discovered that MY VOICE was different from theirs and that their devious tactics are more like broken promises. Anorexia and bulimia are liars, and event though it may take some time to expose these awful demons, I will regain my SELF, my voice and my personality, inch by inch. I can assure you that their so-called friendship is not a solution; it is a HUGE PROBLEM.
One day, they won’t pervade my thoughts or control my actions – I will destroy their power….one day!!!